THE PIZZA CONNECTION

Pineapple is the glue that holds that delicious pizza together. A plain ham pizza screams “I’m single and lonely,” whereas a Hawaiian pizza whispers a sultry “opposites attract” into your ear. But what does marriage look like when your partner hates pineapple on their pizza, you won't eat a pizza without it, and when you are both craving pizza, you always have to order something for his children from the kids menu?

Let's be honest, marriage is hard enough without the added unique challenges of children from other relationships, not to mention the drug addicted, abusive, and neglectful card known as the former spouse. And when that former card is like the main villian "The Queen of Hearts" from Alice in Wonderland, she makes this alleged evil Step-mother "Lady Tremaine" from Cinderalla, look like a Saint. The divorce rate is 25 percent higher in stepfamilies than in first marriages, and close to 72% of remarriages with step-children end in divorce. So, I must ask, if you had the choice Michelle, why did you do that to yourself? But alas, love creates blindness, and rationality is often lost. No one I know has yet run the other way when they met an appealing single person with minor-age kids.

No one likes to be forced to do anything, especially me. And let me tell you, nothing forces people to be in a situation they don’t want to be in sometimes, than the stepfamily dynamic. I have been longing of late for pineapple on my ham pizza; and even though my husband doesn't even like pineapple on his pizza, right now I bet even he would eat a ham pizza covered in it. In all marriages, there are disagreements. Lately my husband and my parenting disagreements are bleeding on to the pizza of our marital relationship. Our pizza is cover in red sauce, and it is void of any toppings. When someone that you care about criticizes your success as a parent, good feelings erode, and over time, this will erode those good feelings we have about each other and about our marriage.

Nurturing a marriage is hard when there are children, even harder when there are step-children. Life is just busier, and time together is often hard to get. When some of those children are not your own and may actually resent you, it is hard to find quality time as a couple. Who is it that decided that 16 is "Sweet" anyway? I learned in my first marriage of 26 years, that high quality time is crucial to maintain a healthy and viable marriage, I also learned this lesson caring for my late husband while he was dying. With a combined 31 years of marriage between my late husband, and my current husband, one would think that this understanding would equate to my action. I now find myself asking, why isn't it?

All Step-families have “insiders” and “outsiders”. If like me, you are living in a blended family, then you know that this requires a lot of maturity, patience, self-confidence and grit to get through the feelings of exclusion, letting go of hurt and resentment, and keeping the positive thinking and behaving alive. These things feel impossible to me some days to achieve.

As my husband and I begin the journey of navigating how to "Protect" our marriage, the one thing that we both have come to realize is, that it is going to take both of us being committed to the action of "Protecting time for our marriage" and we both need to "Get GOOD at fighting". We both must find ways to spend time together, even if it is to just keep each other updated on our love map, what is going on in our lives individually, as well as our lives as a couple. Notice I make no mention of any children in my statement; this is very intentional. Fighting is a part of any relationship. It is inevitably going to happen. Having the know-how around fighting fair is something that we both need to learn. Few things will fuel intimacy, connection and closeness like being seen, being heard, and coming through the "Step-family Storms". We both recognize that we must keep affection and intimacy alive and well, even on those days we don’t feel like it. Anyone in a loving relationship understands that stress is probably the number one killer of "feeling in the mood".

"Sex is like pizza: even when it's bad, it's still pretty good”

I have friends that don't agree with this statement. They are the, "No sex is better then bad sex" type. They're like, "Go eat a pizza and chocolate if you want something good". Personally, I have yet to have a Pizza so bad that it left me traumatized. "Just don't eat the toppings you don't like", is what I would say! LOL

I know that my husband and I will not be rearing his child forever. I have a beautiful and succesful 29 year old biological daughter from my first marriage; that helps me remember this when I see her at our weekly Mom and Daughter date. My husband and I both stepped into this remarriage with a plan to go the distance. He is mine, and I am his until death do us part. We know that we must do to keep our love alive, and our marriage protected from the stress and challenges inherent with step-families. There is a bible verse that I have heard a few times over my 31 years of being married, and I believe it goes something like this..........

Therefore, what God has joined together, let no "child" separate <or something like that ;)>