TANTALIZING TOPPINGS

For many of us Plus Size Women, this topic may be a little bit of a “hush hush”. By now, we should all be well-aware that fatphobia is ingrained in the day-to-day living and experiences of so many plus size women. Despite how much the world has progressed to accepting fatness and making space for it, sex remains a very unwelcome association when it comes to women of bigger sizes. This is not only seen in the actions of people’s attractions (or lack thereof) towards fat women, but I also see it emphasized in the lingerie industry, where very few brands make sexy lingerie for plus-sized females. I hate to break it to some of you, but us fat women have sex too. We also want to look and feel sexy. We’ve all heard the saying along the lines of “wearing a matching (and sexy) pair of underwear and bra, makes women feel more confident and empowered”, so why shouldn’t this extend to every single woman who is fat?

In honour of plus-sized women in our sexual endeavours, let's take a moment and talk about "Toppings" for our plus size bodies. Does anyone else have this saying on repeat running through your head?, "For the love of God, don’t make me get on top!" I personally am very aware of my weight 24/7, and the limitations of my body: putting on clothes, going on planes, sitting down on restaurant chairs, etc. So, having sex is not any different. As much as I’d like to, I can’t just shut off my brain and lose myself to the throes of passion. (Kudos to anyone who can do this though—tips are welcome!) Sex is so not like romantic comedies where everything is easy and passionate and women have freakish pretzel bodies that can bend into every trendy position. I can worry about hurting my partner, because I am a bigger woman with a bigger body. I want to be considerate of my partner and how comfortable they are in certain positions. Another thing romantic comedies forget to mention: Stamina. My preferred exercise is walking, sometimes it is exercising from the couch. Executing a perfect reverse cowgirl, Yeehaw, is not a form of cardio that my core can easily withstand. So, I can sometimes dread the times when my partner asks me to get on top. Marathon breathing techniques and worrying about my knees don’t exactly inspire lust in me. I’d much rather be in a position that I know works for me and lets me get out of my head and enjoy the experience....Anybody else?

I wouldn’t call myself particularly dominant in the bedroom, but I do think it’s important to talk while having sex. Having an open dialogue about what feels good, where to touch, what turns you on, etc. is the clearest way to build intimacy and grow your confidence. Even when I am having sex with a partner that I very familiar with, (Hello 5 year marriage) I’m still the teensiest bit nervous every SINGLE time. Communicating, even if it’s just joking about how a position isn’t working (anyone else fall off the bed while on top of their partner? Nope? Just me?) can break the tension, get me out of my head, and make me more comfortable.

Being a bigger woman, there’s simply more of me, which means more skin and body to navigate when I’m having sex. I have what is called a FUPA (fat upper pubic area), or “panniculus,” if you wanted the medical term for it. I’ve come to terms with my FUPA (Queen Lizzo has one, so we’re basically the same person, except I am the white girl gangsta version), and being with my body all the time, I’ve figured out how to work with it, and work around it when I’m engaging in a little self-love or partner sex.

I’m not going to lie and claim that I can shut off all the negative self-talk my brain seems hell-bent on sending me during sex. This was especially true after I lost my first husband of 26 years in 2019, and I started dating again. But at the end of the day, I know that my partner is with me in that bed, or in that shower, because he is attracted to me, and he wants to share this experience with me. Sex should be fun and sensual and pleasurable—let it be! This isn’t an “I’ve overcome my body image issues and have great sex” statement though. I still have unsatisfactory sex sometimes, and when I do, I’m quick to blame myself and my plus size body. But over time, I am learning, that I can’t let those thoughts rule me. Otherwise, I could be preventing myself from having some really great, hot, steamy sex in my future (I am talking, Fifty Shades of Grey sex). You're Welcome.

It’s high-time we all give our sex lives and our confidence a boost. And I’ve got the perfect, inexpensive way to do it. When was the last time you replenished your underwear stash? If it wasn’t in the last year, listen up: buying underwear doesn’t have to be a cumbersome process anymore, and it never has to come in a pack of 10 from Walmart (nor a store that makes you feel blah about your appearance). Amazon is a great resource for affordable Plus Size SEXY Underwear and even Plus Size SEXY Lingerie. They have thongs, cheeky undies, hipsters, and more in all different styles, colors, and prints. Order one new pair of sexy underwear, every single month for the next year. Trust me: adding cute undies to your routine is the simplest way to feeling sexy. When you feel confident and comfortable in yourself, you just feel sexier, and we all know what happens to our sex lives when we feel in the mood. Your body, confidence and sex life will thank me. Unlike sex toys, sexy underwear is affordable. I will share a little secret with you all; I don't actually like to wear underwear under my clothes, so when I choose to wear a sexy pair of plus size underwear, I just feel different....sexy in fact!

PLUS SIZE LADIES, our sex life is our responsibility. We devote so much time of our time to furthering our physical, spiritual, and mental health, but for some reason we expect our sex life to flourish on its own. Ask your partner why they find you attractive; you may be surprised at how they see you through their eyes. This is your reminder that our bodies are always worthy of love and appreciation. Our plus size bodies are worthy of love, sex, and having our desires met right now, just as we are! We need to move away from apologizing for our flaws. We are all so much more than the sum of our scars, lumps, bumps, and our Fupas.

Plus Size sex is all about being safe and enjoying ourselves. Always be safe, comfortable, and relaxed. It is crucial to our, and our partner's sexual health to discover what we like, don’t like, and what we are open to sexually. No one is going to do this for us; so let's take control of our own plus size sexual pleasures, and be open to hearing what our partner's pleasures are!