SAUCY BUSINESS

“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put them back together.” ~ Unknown

This year has tested me in ways that I could never have imagined.  I spent much of July and August searching, but for what exactly I had no idea, until I did.

I have spent most of my life being quite black-and-white with relationships, both with my friendshisps and my marriages. Maybe this has something to do with my ADHD, or just maybe it is who I had to become, either way, I either trusted you implicitly, assuming you’d never intentionally hurt me, or believed you wanted to cause me pain and questioned everything you did. Once you had moved yourself into the latter category, there was no going back. This year, with much therapy, I realized I was limiting my relationships by not recognizing the grey area, where people are human, they make mistakes, and they need forgiveness and understanding.

I feel confident in saying that I am not the only one that understands that we often create a lot of meaning in our heads, or a feeling that may not be the truth, or at least not the whole truth. I also recognize that this understanding comes with only with having life expereinces, and age! I almost hate to say it, but maybe my parents were right all those times they told me to consider their wisdom; being they were so much older than me. This is a knod to you Mom. I love you!.

We may feel convinced someone intended to be rude, inconsiderate, or thoughtless when really that wasn’t the case at all. On the other hand, and this is where my very black and white thinking comes in, sometimes actions speak louder than words, and our interpretations may just be accurate. My strong intuitive nature has not seemed to let me down.....yet! I do worry that softening this, might let some people slip through those grey area cracks. Being so very black and white, those walls hard to penitrate.

Sometimes people are knowingly hurtful or neglectful. I need to be able to recognize that or I'll end up feeling disempowered, disrespected, and stuck. So how do I know when to stay and when to walk away? How do I know when I am not reading into things too much, or being too paranoid, or making mountains out of molehills, but rather simply seeing things for what they are?

After placing myself in this situation more times than I’d like to count, I went on the search to find the answers. In doing so, I found a little three-question guide by the tiny buddha that’s helping me recognize when enough is enough, or when perhaps, I need to be more forgiving, more compassionate, more empathic, and more understanding.

Question One to ask Myself - Do their actions frequently contradict their words? Anyone can contradict themselves once or twice. We’re only human, and sometimes we make mistakes. It’s consistent behavior that conveys how someone really feels. Words can be deceiving, because sometimes when we lie to others it’s because we’re also lying to ourselves. TRUST ACTIONS. That’s where the truth will always be found.

Question Two to ask Myself - Do you frequently make excuses for them or to yourself? If you often find yourself in a position where you need to defend the other person, odds are there’s a consistently unacceptable behavior you’re trying to justify. It’s great to be compassionate, but we need to be compassionate with ourselves first, and that means acknowledging what’s just not okay.

Question Three to ask Myself - Does this person turn things around on you, as if their actions are your fault? Gaslighting - It can be difficult to recognize those consistently unacceptable actions if they are able to convince you that you’re somehow responsible for them. If you are always the one they "blame", for your actions and theirs......run.....and don't look back, or go back!!!