PIZZA, BEER AND NANAIMO BARS

Embracing Memories

After 6 years of grieving the profound loss of my husband of 26 years, Trevor "Bull" Underwood, I find myself at a significant turning point in my emotional journey. The years following his passing were filled with an overwhelming sense of sorrow and longing, as I navigated the complexities of life without him. Each day felt like a battle against the memories that both comforted and haunted me, as I grappled with the void left in my heart. Trevor was not just my partner; he was my confidant, my joy, and the person with whom I shared countless dreams and aspirations. As time passed, I slowly began to understand that grief is not a linear process. It ebbs and flows, often catching me off guard when I least expect it. The milestones we had shared together, such as anniversaries and birthdays, became particularly challenging. They served as poignant reminders of the love we once celebrated and the future we had envisioned, which was irrevocably altered. Each birthday that came and went without Trevor felt like a reminder of my loss, a day that I could not fully embrace. However, after 5 years of marriage to my new husband Sam, I have started to turn the pages on my grief. This new chapter in my life has brought with it a sense of hope and renewal. My husband Sam, whom I lovingly call my "Hot Husband", has been a source of unwavering support, helping me to navigate the complexities of my emotions while respecting the love I still hold for Trevor. Together, we have created new memories and experiences that have allowed me to open my heart once again. It is through this journey of love and companionship that I have begun to find solace and healing. Today, on what would have been Trevor's 59 birthday, I am allowing myself to feel a sense of peace with the decision to not celebrate my late husband's birthday, as I have the last 5 years. This choice does not diminish the love I have for Trevor or the memories we shared; rather, it signifies my acceptance of the past and my commitment to living fully in the present. I have come to realize that moving forward does not mean forgetting. Instead, it means honoring Trevor's memory in a way that aligns with my current life and the love I now cherish with my husband Sam. As I reflect on this journey, I recognize that healing is a deeply personal process. It is a journey that requires patience, understanding, and self-compassion. I have learned to embrace the duality of my emotions—the joy of new beginnings and the sadness of what has been lost. This balance allows me to honor both my past with Trevor and my present with Sam. In this moment of reflection, I am grateful for the lessons that grief has taught me. It has shown me the depths of love and the resilience of the human spirit. While today may not involve the traditional celebrations I once held dear, it is a day of acknowledgment and reflection. I honor Trevor's memory in my heart, and I carry forward the love we shared as I embrace the life I am building with Sam. This journey of healing is ongoing, but I am learning to navigate it with grace and acceptance, turning the pages of my story with hope for the future.

Honoring Memories

Trevor knew I loved him for all of the 26 years of our marriage. From the very first moments we spent together, he could sense the depth of my affection, loyalty and commitment. Each day that passed was a testament to the bond we forged, filled with laughter, shared dreams, and the challenges we faced side by side. Our life was woven together from countless memories, each representing a moment of joy, sorrow, triumph, or struggle. He was not just my husband; he was my partner, my confidant, and my greatest supporter.

As I reflect on our years together, I can see how our love evolved through the seasons of life. We celebrated milestones, from anniversaries to the birth of our daughter, and navigated the complexities of life’s ups and downs. We celebrated about 10 years of those anniversaries on the wrong day of the month; a memory that makes me laugh everytime I think of this. Trevor was always there, his unwavering presence a source of strength and comfort. He understood my hopes and fears, and I cherished the way we communicated without words, often sharing a glance that spoke volumes.

Now, as I stand at this crossroads, I feel a profound sense of loss mixed with a profound sense of gratitude. Trevor will understand that it is time for me to move forward now with only my memories of him. It is a bittersweet realization that while I must embrace the future, I will carry the essence of our love with me. The laughter we shared, the quiet moments of reflection, and even the challenges we overcame together will forever be etched in my heart.

Moving forward does not mean forgetting. Instead, it signifies a new chapter where I honor our past while also allowing myself the space to grow and heal. I am finally ready to heal. I feel ready to love again. I have learned so much about myself just by reflecting on the memories I have of us. I will cherish the lessons he taught me and the love that shaped my very being. Each memory will serve as a guiding light, reminding me of the strength we built together and the love that will always remain a part of who I am. As I take these steps into my new unknown, I will do so with the warmth of our shared history enveloping me, propelling me toward a future that, while different, is still filled with the potential for joy and fulfillment.

Finding Peace

I recognize that I no longer need to shine a bright light on my loss of him. The pain of his absence, once overwhelming and all-consuming, has now softened, allowing me to reflect on the beautiful memories we created together. Instead of dwelling in the shadows of my grief, I am choosing to cherish the moments we shared, those fleeting instances of joy and laughter that now serve as a comforting reminder of our bond. Each memory is a treasure, a fragment of time that I can hold close to my heart, whether it was a simple conversation over nanaimo bars and pizza, or an adventure that took us to new places. As I embrace this new chapter of my life, I find myself open to the possibilities that lie ahead. I understand that moving forward does not mean forgetting him; rather, it means integrating the love and lessons he imparted into my journey. I can honor his memory by living fully, by allowing the warmth of our shared experiences to inspire me to seek new connections, pursue my passions, and grow in ways I never imagined. This transition is not just about loss; it is about transformation and the resilience of the human spirit. I am learning to navigate life with a renewed sense of purpose, carrying his spirit with me.

Forward

I have sensed Trevor's presence inside my home often, like a gentle whisper in the air or a fleeting shadow in the corner of my eye. His energy lingered in the spaces we once shared, a constant reminder of the love and the life we built together. Today, as I spoke to him, I felt a profound connection, a conversation that transcended the physical realm. I told him I would be okay; that he could finally move on and focus on watching over our daughter now. It was a moment filled with both sorrow and relief, as I sensed his hesitation to leave, as if he was weighing the comfort of his presence against the necessity of letting go. Then, with a quiet resolve, I felt him go.

In that instant, we were free of each other in a way that was both liberating and bittersweet. He no longer had to bear witness to my suffering, the weight of grief that had lingered in the air like an uninvited guest. Instead, he could now find peace, watching over our daughter with a love that would never fade. I felt a sense of strength wash over me as I released him, as if a heavy shroud had been lifted from my shoulders. It felt like a freeing moment for both of us, a necessary step towards healing and moving forward.

With renovations now underway in the home that Sam and I share together, I have taken the time to carefully pack away pictures of Trevor and other mementos of our past. Each photograph and keepsake was lovingly wrapped, a testament to the life we once had. The home Sam and I are building together needs to be a space that is solely ours, a sanctuary free from the echoes of memories that once filled these walls. This is not just a physical transformation; it is an emotional one as well. It is important to me and for me, to create an environment that reflects our new beginning, one that allows us to flourish without any of the shadows of the past looming over us.

Trevor will always carry a piece of my heart with him, and I will carry a piece of his with me. That bond, forged through love and shared experiences, will never truly fade. However, it is now time for what is left of the rest of my heart to belong to solely to Sam. This transition is not about forgetting Trevor; it is about honoring him while also embracing the possibilities that lie ahead. I am learning to navigate this new chapter of my life, filled with hope and love, as I build a future with Sam. The journey of healing continues, but now it is infused with a sense of purpose and joy, as I open my heart fully to the love that awaits me in the arms and heart of Sam.