Mamma Mia Pizzeria

Popular culture tells us that stepmothers are mean, neglectful – even deadly. Yet there's little evidence to support the myth. Why does this prevail? The fictional world is filled with stepmothers who are highly unpleasant – or even murderous monsters. In fairy-tales, the stepmother represents qualities that we equate with evil: rage, envy, resentment, greed, and self-absorption. Then there is the naive and innocent step-girl, whom she mistreats, and who eventually gains victory over her step-mom..

These are Nacho Kids!!

For many of us Step-up Moms the struggle bus is real. If you are anything like me, you had the mistaken belief, that if you decided to enter into a relationship with someone who has children; that you are also agreeing to take on the role of your stepkid’s biological mom; especially if their biological mom is incapable of caring for her children. I believed that it was my “job” to become the second in command when it came to my step-daughter. I thought it was my duty as a woman, as a mother, and a step-up mom, to take over feeding, clothing, providing financial support, along with providing the emotional support for my step-daughter. For almost five years now this arrangement worked well, until it didn't. There's almost always a honeymoon period, and then all hell breaks loose. I recently came to the understanding, that it may not be so easy to melt into this family dynamic filled with myths, demands, and undefined roles.

Writing about step-parenting while you're in the trenches of it may not be one of the smartest things I have done -- my emotions are running rampant and I may not be able to steer through this subject with total grace and objectivity, but here goes nothing!

Being married to a man with a traumatized daughter, I felt a tremendous amount of pressure to “always go above and beyond” when it came "our" daughter. "Dad" felt the pressure to play the role of the Disneyland dad when he would arrive home, after being away at work for 20 days, which sometimes added to my feelings of isolation and loneliness.

Being a step-mom is one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I questioned sometimes if it was the right choice for me; and then I would always find a silver lining. I found a partner I am in love with, who loves me in return, and that right there is cause for celebration. Somedays it feels impossible to balance all the expectations, and I am currently searching for ways to get off this struggle bus, and thrive in my marriage, my life, and as a step-mom.

The biggest downside of continuing to feel stressed, is that it makes me feel like I am not doing well as a step-mom, and this always comes with the worry that my relationship with my husband will suffer. I am a step-mom because of my husband, and they are the reason I want to make it work, and be better at step-momming. I beat myself up, because this role of stepparenting is becoming a challenge for me. I am the type of person who has been successful in all of my personal relationships, so recently being rejected by my step-daughter, and feeling like an outsider, is foreign to me. Of late, it has me feeling quite lost, and asking myself some questions that I have not yet been able to find the answers to.

I use to be so assertive and confident, and I am begining to second guess my feelings and my reactions to the complexities of being part of a stepfamily. That first year I took on this role with ease, and as time went on I began to contort myself as to “not upset the child.” All I ever wanted was my step-daughter to be safe and secure, happy and successful, and "healed", but deep down I do sometimes wonder if I am the evil step-mother that my step-daughter has made me out to be this last year; because the truth is, that sometimes I do find my step-daughter's behavior particularly irksome. I had been trying very hard to be the perfect step-mother, so that no one could accuse me of being “wicked”.

I want to acknowledge my feelings of how terribly hard it is to parent someone else’s child. I have shed far too many tears this last year, and the level of stress I feel for trying to measure up to to my step-daughter's expectations, while still being rejected. Step-mom's like me do not have a safe space to admit how we feel in our role as stepparents.

Society is under the impression that stepfamilies are supposed to function similarly to the Brady Bunch. I grew up watching the Brady Brunch, and so I understand this all too well. I have first and second hand experience that Society has it wrong when it comes to the average step-family. As Stepmom, we apply undue pressure to ourselves. I wanted nothing more then things to function the same as it did in my "first" family. In first families, the couple comes together without children, they get to know one another, then they add children to the dynamic. Perhaps my mistake was the belief that stepfamilies could function in the same manner. Many people have no knowledge of the fact that children love and accept both of their biological parents, even if one of those biological parents was abusive and neglectful, within the "first" family dynamic. Step-moms DO NOT receive automatic acceptance. This is earned, and sometimes it takes us years to get there. There are some Step-moms that probably never achieve this acceptance.

The hardest part of being a Step-mom has to be the fact that it is the only parenting role I know of, where I am required to consult with another person. It’s completely understandable why I would need to consult with my husband, about parenting "his" daughter; because she is not "mine". It’s hard sometimes to live up to the expectations of what my husband believes makes “a great mom.” The reality is, that sometimes he feels that I am being “too strict” or that I am not “doing it right” when it comes to his daughter, and the reality also is, that he has every right to say something. My position is, and he may not even agree with this or understand it, that the problem started when he would intervene to assist his daughter in avoiding consequences. I believe that he parents with a sense of guilt, and finds it difficult in setting limits and giving consequences; and I can even understand this, and I even have a tremendous amount of compassion for the position he is in, and was in before his daughter came to live with us.

In our current situation, I no longer have the luxury of doing things “my way". If I am going to be honest, I can be quite hard headed, "strong willed" is what my husband calls it, and I have spent much of the last four years doing things "my way", or at least trying to. In my defence, I have always made the choice to do what I believed was in the best interest of my step-daughter. However, I now must concede to the way my husband wants to raise "his" daughter. It is a hard pill to swallow, watching a child be raised in a way you don’t quite agree with; and perhaps this is how my husband has been feeling this last year?? So it is time I think about taking my husband's advice and step back, and allow him to take on the parenting role and the responsibility that comes with that. It’s hard to parent a child you are not permitted to correct. My decision of stepping back is not out of malice or to punish my husband, it’s about practicing good self-care. For me, good self-care involves setting healthy boundaries within my relationship with my husband, and his daughter. <3. This step-parenting gig is hard. Perhaps it is time that I be kind to myself, and be honest with myself about how hard this has been for me. There is no shame in the fact that this is a hard situation for everyone involved. Teens in stepfamilies will focus their resentment of adult authority on to their stepparent. We are an easy target for blame, since in our relationship there is no "history" of love—so perhaps they feel there is no love to lose?? If you were to ask me to describe my relationship with my step-daughter for the last five years, I would have said it was a relationship filled with much love for each other. This last 8 months, something changed in my step-daughter. Her desire to do things "her way", believing that she is capable of taking control of her own life, desiring the independence that all teens want, and of course, not wanting to take any advice from her step-mom, because "she knows it all", built tension within the walls of what use to feel like a very happy and loving home.

I spent five years teaching my step-daughter how to be a "strong" woman. I would ask myself many times, "Was I empowering her to become who she is meant to be?" "Was I helping her to become a strong girl who would one day, hopefully, inspire others to be strong, too?" The truth is, I doubted myself from time to time. I guess that’s simply a byproduct of motherhood. But I can, with confidence, say that my step-daughter is strong, and watching her individual strength unfold before me has made me realize that I may have done a few things right. The bumpy road of raising girls in our world is challenging. Even more challenging is being a step-mom raising a girl who lived her first 12 year in abuse and neglect.

People tend to avoid discussing their struggles and airing their “dirty laundry”. I decided before I started my blog, that if I was going to blog, I would be real and raw! The hard truth is, I believe most step-moms feel unappreciated, undervalued, unimportant, unloved, unsupported, unaccepted, and misunderstood. I believe, a lot of women are struggling to be step-moms. It would not surprise me one bit that there are more stepmoms than we could even imagine, that are put on antidepressants or anti-anxiety medications, and that some step-moms even have suicidal thoughts. Every step-mom, and this most definitely includes me, has the best intentions to make their blended family work, and we do not want to be part of the 72% failure rate of blended families.

STEP-MOM

She cooks, she cleans, she helps the step-kids with homework, she schedules doctor’s appointments, you name it, she is pretty much doing everything for the kids. In return, she expects the stepkids to do what she says. The stepmom expects them to do what she says, because after all, she is an adult in the home. They are expected to do the chores she assigns, to do well in school, to eat the food she cooks, etc., all without complaint or resistance. Well… that rarely happens. lol

The reality is, the stepkids won’t like her sometimes, or they may not ever like her, they’ll complain to their dad about her, and she’ll be complaining to him also about his kids. She’ll feel like he doesn’t have her back when it comes to disciplining the stepkids’ like she sees fit. This right here, is the bomb that every step-mom knows is waiting to explode. In this scenario, no one is going to be happy, and there may not be a happily ever-after. And I didn’t even mention yet, that this web of unhappiness may include the abusive and neglectful bio-mom or the evil bio-grandparents!

Step-moms become the target. Things were fine until she stepped in and took over. She is the reason life is so miserable for everyone. The stepkids hate her, her husband is being pulled in two different directions by her and his kids, the in-laws hate her, the stepkids’ bio-mom hates her, and her own bio kids aren’t particularly loving life because she’s always grumpy because of the stepkids. She feels the world is against her. In her mind, she is a failure and is a horrible person when all she was trying to do was “help” make everyone in the blend "happy".

Step-moms are expected by society to love their stepkids like their own. Why? Because when they married the dad, they married the stepkids too. Let me make one thing clear here, step-moms we did not marry our significant other’s kids!

If a step-mom says she doesn’t love them like her own, she is attacked, shamed, and judged because she doesn’t love someone else’s kids like ones she biologically gave birth to. A bit unrealistic to expect that from someone, is how I feel about this. Then other step-moms jump on the “bash other step-moms” bandwagon with “You knew what you were getting into!”. Let's be real, no one knows what they are getting into in a blended marriage! That’s ridiculous. Oh and let’s not forget the notorious, “They are a package deal! You must not love their dad if you don’t love them.” That’s another assinine thought. Then there’s the, “They are just kids.”. Apparently the step-mom is expected to love them for this reason alone if nothing else. In many cases step-moms are expected to take over all the motherly duties, except the disciplining of the stepkids, because they aren’t the mom and disciplining the stepkids is a job reserved for the biological parents. But then they are expected to love them as if they were the mom. Can you see how crazy this way of thinking is, or is it just me?

REALITY CHECK

Somtimes kids are vindictive, conniving, lying little humans that make it difficult for even their bio parents to love them some days. Let's be honest, we do not love our children every single day of the year!

There are a lot of double standards when it comes to a step-mom. For example, when I say my bio-kid is a brat, all is well within the world. When I call my step-kid a brat, then hold on to your britches, it’s about to go down! I can’t say that because the stepkid isn't mine! The step-mom is to love their step-children like her own in all the “good” ways, but when it comes to disciplining the stepkids, it is not her job because she’s not their "parent", or she’s being mean to the stepkids! So really it’s “Love them like your own when it comes to buying things for them, feeding them, cleaning up after them, praising them, and caring for them. When it comes to “parenting” them, it’s not her place!!! We need to change this way of thinking, and maybe it starts with honest conversations between bio-dad and step-mom, and if the blend is going to work, it might just need some help and support from family counselling or couples counselling. I am always in favour of counselling! Having a neutral person in the middle of family difficulties is important.

2024 has been a very hard and eye opening year for me already. Repeat after me......You are not their mother. Or their 'Bonus Mom,' for that matter. Even if your husband has primary custody of the kids. Even if their biological mother never sees them. Even if they call you mom. Do not make the mistake of believing in your heart that you have all the same rights and privileges as the woman who gave birth to them, because we don't. We can have a meaningful, loving, influential relationship with our stepchildren, but it will be different from that between a mother and child. The only thing left for me to do is come to the full understanding that this is okay. Embrace it Michelle, and make the most of it.

I need to allow myself to believe, It's okay to take a step back. This is a tough one for me, because I thought my step-daughter needed me to act just like I was her mom. Turns out I was WRONG. Remember Michelle, you are not her mother. I'm not her mom, and acting like I was has caused resentment and confusion on both ends. I need to find a way to drive this home into my mind and heart, that being a good stepmom is being physically & emotionally available when my step-kid needs and wants me to be, and then I must back off and become a behind-the-scenes supporter to my husband's parenting when she doesn't. It is a balancing act, and I have never had very good balance my whole life. lol

Protect your marriage at all costs Michelle!!!! My husband and I need to be each other's refuge, particularly when we are having issues with "his" daughter. We need to pinpoint exactly what's hurting our marriage and protect our relationship in this area immediately and relentlessly. Protecting our marriage benefits everyone -- his daughter and my daughter need to see us stay together and fight for our relationship, even when times are tough. It will teach them to do the same some day. I need to find a way to let go of this belief that saving his daughter, will ultimately keep our marriage safe. Perhaps it has always needed to be the other way around.

This blog is my space to Rant. Somedays, like today, the pressure of being a step-mom feels overwhelming. I want people to understand, that when a step-mom feels like everyone hates her, that she can’t do anything right, that it’s the world against her, that no one understands her and she is all alone, and that she has no purpose, it’s easy for her to believe she means “nothing” to anyone. Of course, it’s not true! But what support is she being given? What kind words are being said to her and about her? Why is she not given the same grace that bio-parents are given? When I have the answers to these questions......then we will all know!

I have spent too much time beating myself up about my shortcomings as a step-mom! My husband has told me often that I cannot fix what I did not break. I have spent five years trying to do a whole lot of fixing. I really thought I could solve everything and everyone if I just tried hard enough. I have run a guantlet of tremendous emotional challenges. Now that I am yet again a little wiser, it is time for me to find a way to be gentler on myself, kinder to myself, and be more compassionate with myself.

Looking back over these last five years, I would change a lot things I did as a step-mom. Today though, I still believe the loss of my late husband Trevor in 2019, was because I meant to be a step-mom to my husband's daughter. I believe I am here for a reason. We are all imperfect. We all have the potential to be amazing. We are all working toward that potential, in our own way, on our own time line. We continue to learn about each other as we go. We are all messed up, but we are family. It takes a lot courage to be a step-mom. No little girl grows up thinking, "When I grow up I want to be a Step-mom!" Step-moms enter relationships born from some kind of sadness; death, divorce, or like in my case, addiction and abuse. Remarriage is filled with grief, sadness, frustrations, hurt, and tears; but it is also filled with many many days of laughter, fun, and joy. I am Michelle the step-up mom, I am not "The Mom", and what may be best for everyone at present, is that I find a way to the acceptance of this quickly.

I feel today that my time as a step up mom was cut short. My step-daughter isn't quite ready for what awaits her in this cruel and hard world. I still have so much I wanted to teach her about the world and the type of humans that inhabit it. I wanted to teach her to set boundaries and know that it is ok to say "NO". To hold tight to her opinion while listening to others. To walk away from toxic people and situations. I want her to not value her worth on likes, thumbs up, and what other people think of her. I want her to trust her instincts. I want her to take risks, and know that failure is her friend. I want her to hold a hand out to other girls. I want her to do stupid things, but do them safely. I want her to be her own person, and to not let the world change who she is. And my greatest hope, is that she will find a way to "Love Herself Dearly"and "See Her Worth", as these two things alone will foster positive behaviours, while reducing the harmful behaviors.

I hope that my step-daughter has always felt safe with me. While I know that I've let her down and upset her in all kinds of ways over the course of raising her this last five years, I also know that I have been an almost ridiculously stable parent—predictable, vigilant, strong, loving, a homebody whose idea of letting loose is a couple of shots of China White Shooters on Mother's Day. I hope that she knows that I love her; that I have always loved her.

Over 4 million cases of child abuse and neglect involving almost 7 million children are reported each year. My step-daughter is among that number.

Youth can Call 1-800-668-6868 (toll-free) or text CONNECT to 686868. Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to Canadians aged 5 to 29 who want confidential and anonymous care from trained responders.

If you suspect a child is being abused and live in the province of Alberta, you can Call Child Intervention 24/7 at 1-800-638-0715: Identify the region you are from when prompted. Find your region. You will be placed in a queue and informed that calls are recorded.