FROM OVEN TO HEART

When you live in the issues of the past, you do not deal with the issues of the present! - Michelle Banna

After my husband of 26 years passed away in 2019, I had many thoughts and feelings around my personal failures as a wife. I have always believed it was important to help people, to rescue them, or help fix their lives, their worries, their struggles or their problems. Looking back, there were moments when I felt I hadn't helped him enough, or been enough for him. So when given a second chance at love, it was a second chance for me to get it right. I dove all in; giving everything that I had to my husband, along with my daughters, my parents, and my friends. I gave more of my heart, my time, my love, and myself.

So what was I able to change when I did this? Nothing? Absolutely NOTHING changed. The things I wanted to change, that I wanted to be different, that I wanted to be better, were not changing at all. The issues were only repeating themselves. The issues of the past, were becoming the same issues as the present. I was asking myself, "How is this even possible?" Here is what I came to discover. I had spent my whole life helping others, and never asking for help for myself. I thought I had learned to meet my own needs. These last 4 years I continued to help others, more than I had ever helped before. All I did was help; and I am not referring to the kind of help that includes menial chores like, washing the dishes, mowing lawns , making suppers, doing laundry or vacuuming. What I am referring to is, emotional help; the help that people need from me to meet their emotional needs. Grappling with my own emotional wellness while being consumed by others’ suffering resulted in the continued inattention to my own needs, feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness, and depletion of my ability to function!

I am still not sure yet, why I have not held those who love me, to an expectation of meeting my emotional needs? I am continuing the inner work needed to answer that question. But, I have discovered what emotional needs I do need met, and I am pretty sure, there are a lot of you that are in need of having these same emotional needs met as well.

By now you're probably asking, "What are emotional needs anyway? Well, the Medical Dictionary defines our emotional needs as “a psychological or mental requirement…that usually centers on such basic feelings as love, fear, anger, sorrow, anxiety, frustration, and depression and involves the understanding, empathy, and support of one person for another.” Our emotional needs, simply put, are our feelings. Have you ever asked yourself, "What feelings do I need supported?" I found, it was not an easy question to answer. I as journey into the soul of who I am (my own self-awareness), I have uncovered some of the emotional needs that I need met.

Have you ever heard the term, "behavior has meaning?" You might be asking, "What the heck does that mean?" <lol> Well, when our emotional needs are not met, our behaviors escalate. Hello anger, frustration, annoyance, and yelling! It’s like when you are hungry and you go out to eat, but the waiter totally ignores you or takes your order and never delivers. You might start to get agitated, and then flat out HANGRY! Raise your hand if you've ever been HANGRY!! When this happens, our behavior is going to escalate. I know mine does!! But, when our need is finally met, and the food comes, we can rest easy and cool down. All we needed was a little bread; I mean Carbs are the cure for our emotional needs, aren't they?

Are you curious as to the emotional needs I need met? Here's my current list: Watch Over Me, Delight in Me, Help Me, Enjoy with Me, Protect Me, Comfort Me, and the most difficult one of all, Help me Organize my Feelings PLEASE! I will let you in on a little secret. I didn't discover all of these on my own, some yes, but not all of them. Shocker!!! I have had a little help from my Psychologist, and she's been worth every penny I have had to spend on her.

So what happens when our emotional needs are met? Well.....when our emotional needs are met, we are secure in who we are and in the people around us. But......when these needs are not met, we start to question ourselves and the people who are supposed to care for us. It can all start to feel overwhelming. This is what was happening to me. I have been told, that if I look at my behaviors through my “trauma lens,” I can then start to have empathy and compassion for the unwanted behaviours I see in myself. I can create space to realize that somewhere along the line, my need was not being met, and as a result I became scared, confused, angry, frustrated, annoyed, even overwhelmed; I became HANGRY.

Emotional needs are part of the normal human experience. We all have them. I am finding that I want to seek out “emotional nourishment” the same way I seek nourishment from food and water. When my emotional needs are being met and responded to appropriately, they keep me in balance; and I am discovering that they are essential for me to feel healthy.

Who knew that to become a more fulfilled, intuitive, caring and loving person, meant that I needed to not only determine what my emotional needs were, but then hold those that love me the most, accountable to help me meet those needs. This of course goes both ways. It also means, that I also have to be accountable to the emotional needs of those I love. Feelings require accountability! I believe that one of the most important feelings that we must all be taking accountability for, is the feeling of HURT; especially the hurt we cause others, by either our actions or our words.

I've started asking myself, "How do I want my partner to make me feel?" With 30 years of marriage under my belt, I have found, that when we talk to our partners about what we need, we usually are presenting them with a “to do list”, or asking them to “change a behaviour we don’t really like”.

Next time you and your partner have some time for each other, become intimate with your emotions by asking each other, "What are your emotional needs?" I believe you’ll discover, that you are likely not meeting each others emotional needs. Our "needs" are never about the chores our partners didn’t do, or the promises they didn’t keep, or the mess in house that you can see, but they seem unable too. It’s about how these things make us FEEL!

When our “feeling” needs are being met, I promise you, that it won’t matter as much to you, if they forgot to take out the garbage!