BEYOND THE PEPPERONI

A conversation I had with my youngest daughter the other day, went something like this; "You should consider saving some of your paycheque. Instead of spending it on something you really want, save it, just in case you end up really needing that money that you saved." Immediately after saying this, I thought, "practice what you preach Michelle."

Do you ever get that feeling where you thank your past self for looking out for you? No! Me either <lol>. I am sure that past Michelle said, "SCREW future Michelle". Past Michelle really eff-ed me over. She leaned into all her IMPULSE purchases. For most people, this would have meant mounds of credit card debt. While that wasn't the case for me, it does mean that future Michelle doesn't have retirement savings. It wasn't until about 6 months ago when I began to understand that my outgoing funds, were more than my incoming funds, and how that was affecting me emotionally. My whole life I have been an impulse shopper; I am an actual SHOPOHOLIC, also known as Oniomania. From clothes, to horses, to dogs, to recreational vehicles, cars, trucks, to horse tack. But my true love has always been SHOES! I am proud to say that 3 months ago, present Michelle, started taking the burden, so future Michelle doesn't have too. I am still leaning hard into a true love of shoes, but the purchasing of all my other desires, for now anyway, is under-control. <smiley face and fist pump>

6 months ago, I received a diagnosis of Female Inattentive ADHD. Shopaholic disorders, among others, are very common with people who have ADHD. The best part of being ADHD though, the part that I love the most, is my kind and loving heart, and my humour; the truth is, I am fucking hilarious most of the time. The part that I dislike the most, is that I am super susceptible to marketing and advertising messages. These marketing tricks that are designed to exaggerate the positive results of a purchase, and suggest that the purchase will lead to an escape from life's problems, are designed for someone just like me. These marketing tricks trigger my impulse buying, and target my impulsive nature to buy ALL THE THINGS! "Retail Therapy" use to be my go to word. Today my word is, "Trigger". This word reminds me to stop, think, and understand.

These days, I feel a little like I am in a 50 step program, and have only learned steps 1 thru 5. <lol> The other part of my ADHD, is my inability to focus for long periods, so therapy moves much to slowly, and I'm usually suggesting to my Psychologist to please, "Get to the point already". Once I can understand why something is happening, I then have a way forward to fix it. So 50 years spent trying to understand "why did I need that 30th horse?" or "why did I think I needed 4 dogs again?", I am ready to hear ALL the answers. As I am discovering though, ADHD is only one of probably 50 million answers to my weirdness! <sheesh>

I will always have to choose between my present and future desires, with every decision I make; and unfortunately my neurodivergent brain is hard wired to crave instant gratification. But to have the FUTURE that I desire, the future that holds more time with my family, more money, more travel, more extras, I have to be willing to pay the toll. ADHD medication has helped, but I am learning that it is not the whole answer. Years of learned behaviors, also need to be changed. Past Michelle did not do Present Michelle any favours, but Present Michelle is absolutely taking care of FUTURE Michelle.

I am entering what I like to refer to as an "alignment era". This means I am going to listen to my body, slow down, create healthy boundaries, stop trying to be perfect, and heal all of my Bullshit. Without me even knowing it, my life was never suppose to be created AROUND my desires and impulses. It was only meant to fit in around my life, not be my life. There is power in knowing and understanding who you are. The road to get there is not straight, and the hills that need to be climbed can go on forever to reach the top; but as long as the desire is there to discover and uncover your truth, every winding road, every bumpy road, and every hill, is worth pursuing.