CHEESE LOUISE

As a newly diagnosed 53 year old adult female, with ADHD, I have come to learn that many people don't understand what ADHD is. Everything I thought I knew about ADHD was wrong. My advice to those who think they know what ADHD is, forget literally everything you thought you knew about ADHD, and throw away every stereotype you have about what ADHD looks like.

Despite being such an "en-vogue" disorder, ADHD still remains one of the most misunderstood and stigmatized brain conditions of recent history. Whether it is outdated stereotypes of what it looks like, who it effects, the demonization of its medications, and the internalized shame in those with ADHD, I can confidently say..........everything you think you know about ADHD is wrong; unless of course you have ADHD!

ADHD is a brain disorder. Brain scans of people with ADHD indicate notable structural and chemical differences. The term Neurodiverse or Neurodivergent is used to describe people with ADHD. A deficiency in neurotransmitters in the brain, affects chemicals like dopamine, impairing the brains reward and pleasure centres. It impacts our executive functioning, impulsivity, attention, organization, emotional regulation, hyperactivity, and can "short circuit" information and even communication. But, this doesn't really capture what living with ADHD actually means. ADHD is a legitimate condition, and not a product of "stupidity", "laziness", or "bad parenting". The stigma of ADHD happens because ADHD is an Invisible Disorder. You can't look at someone with ADHD and know that they have a disability, and the stereotypes stem from the wrongheaded belief that people with ADHD can control their disability.

The stigma around ADHD is so pervasive and damaging, that I really hate calling it a disorder or disability at all. Though I have found that people show much more compassion when you refer to ADHD as a disability instead of a disorder. People seem to understand that a disability is something you have, perhaps even born with, that you "can not" change. Disorder seems to imply that you can change it, or at the very least "help" yourself in some way. I like to think of ADHD as a brain trait with both positive and negative effects.

Those of us with ADHD can and often do excel, but we are typically forced to figure how to do it on our own. Case in point. Most people would classify me as very "successful". With multiple successful businesses over my lifetime, two loving marriages, and raising successful children, nobody would have ever guessed that I have ADHD, not even me. Even still, I always knew there was something different about me, and I felt very shameful a lot of the time growing up for my inability to 'be more like others".

We hear so much about the negatives of ADHD, but here are some surprising benefits of having ADHD.

Self-awareness is one of them. Those of us with ADHD learn what our triggers and patterns are, as well as how to help control them. We finds ways to cope and disguise. Research has shown, that in time, people with ADHD can even become more skilled at self regulation, than some neurotypical people. I am extremely self-aware. So are my two daughters, and my husband.

Self-reliance. This is something that I am very good at. I learned early on how to soothe and regulate myself. This goes hand in hand with resilience. Others would describe most of us with ADHD, as being very resilient.

Creativity. Those of us with ADHD have an abundance of creativity. I excel at idea generation, and thinking out-side of the box, almost all of us do. This has served me well over the years with my all of my businesses and business ideas.

Clear Exceptions. Too often I upset people with my directness, but this too has served me well, especially in my marriages, and raising my daughters. I am able to have open and honest conversations about expectations with people closest to me. This open communication has only strengthened my closest relationships. People know where I stand, and there is never any second guessing.

Impulsivity. This is probably the ADHD trait that I have a personal love and hate relationship with. My impulsivity allows me to have a playfulness, that helps keep the spark alive in my marriage and in my life. It is also the reason that I had 7 closets full of clothes, over 100 pair of shoes, 30 horses and 8 dogs over my lifetime. When I started ADHD medication last year, it took away that part of me. I loved my impulsiveness so much, as it made me fun and feel alive. My youngest daughter and I refer to our impulsivity as "Our Spark". I have just recently adjusted my ADHD medication, so that "my spark" is not so suppressed, and I am thankful to feel alive again, and my family has enjoyed me being back to my fun self.

Receptiveness. Many of us living with ADHD are receptive to trying therapies and new approaches to help support ourselves. This has proven to be helpful in my current marriage and with my family. I am open about the help I have sought out, I am not the least bit embarrassed to tell people I see a psychologist, and I am open to trying different approaches to therapy.

It could be easy to focus on the negative impacts of my ADHD, but I have come to find, that there are also benefits to my condition. I am energetic, creative, courageous, and resilient. I am still learning how to lean into all of these strengths, while working at controlling some of ADHD symptoms, so that I can continue to reach my full potential.

Let's talk a little about what ADHD love language looks like. Do you have a partner that wants to understand you more? Let them read this blog post. Our love language looks something like this.....making eye contact, being present and focusing undivided attention on to each other. "So put those phones away please when you are with us!". We love touch, any or all of these will do....cuddling, hugs, holding hands, kissing and sex. We love words of praise, and sweet notes or texts to us can make our day. We love to give gifts and get gifts, but not just any gift. Monetary value means very little to us. What really matters to us, is that the gift is meaningful. I can recall a few gifts that were given to me over the years that made me feel honoured and seen, and almost all of these gifts were given from the heart and not bought in a store. Lastly, acts of service are important to us. We enjoy helping others, and have a very deep appreciation for things that others do for us. My favourite acts of service that my family does for me on the regular, is to make sure my vehicle is fuelled up, they often start my vehicle for me on a cold day, and when they go out of their way to open our front gate, so that I don't have to get out my vehicle, it always brightens my entire day.

Yes, having ADHD comes with its struggles, and a whole lot of judgement from those who don't understand it; but in my opinion, the "Super Powers" it comes with, is what makes people fall in love with us. Now, if we could just have as much compassion for ourselves, as we do for others, our struggles would feel much less overwhelming and frustrating.

One of the best things that has served me well in the last 53 years of my life to help my ADHD, is exercise. I am not talking about extreme exercise here, but that also helps; I am referring to regular exercise, that just involves moving your body in some way, and includes at least 10 to 20 minutes of sweating. If that's not possible for you, then walking, yoga, qigong etc is also extremely helpful. It promotes the release of Dopamine.

Recently I learned that it is very common for people with ADHD to have balance issues. This may be due to abnormalities in the cerebellum, a region of the brain that is linked to balance control, gait and cognition. Because balance plays such an important role in our everyday activities, those of us with ADHD are at an increased risk of poor motor control and balance, and this can sometimes manifest as what doctors call "greater postural sway". Postural sway, by definition, is the horizontal movement around a person's centre of gravity while standing. The cerebellum serves as an integrative structure for balance control and is also involved in cognition, including timing and anticipatory regulation. Cerebellar development may be delayed in children with ADHD. People with ADHD tend to slouch due to difficulties maintaining proper body alignment and muscle tone. ADHD is just not all about "behaviour", there can also be physical manifestations.

I've spent over 20 years trying to learn to ride a horse correctly. To date I have not been successful at achieving this. Sure I ride, but my balance has always been an issue, for 20+ years in fact. There is nowhere to hide balance issues while riding a horse. Once you understand what you are suppose to achieve when riding a horse, you can quickly see or feel all of things you are not doing correctly. When I learned this year that my balance issues are directly linked to my ADHD, it finally all made sense. I am not a bad rider, but I definitely wish I could do better for my horse's sake. Without even realizing it all these years, my horses have helped my ADHD. They are highly sensitive animals, much like people with ADHD, and they respond to both spoken and non spoken communication. They can sense the emotions and intentions of humans and they react accordingly. To build a relationship with a horse, you have to regulate their body energy, pick up on non-verbal cues, and communicate clearly and calmly, you have to CONNECT. Bonding with a horse can improve self-esteem, confidence, and communication. You are required to overcome fear or intimidation, and earn the horses's respect and trust. In turn, the horse will provide you with non-judgemental feedback and unconditional acceptance.

I have also spent my entire life "leg shaking". I recently learned, that his is a way of increasing dopamine my levels. The brain controls our entire body, and it will find ways to supply itself with the things it needs.

I am not going to pretend to know everything about ADHD, and the words written here I hope will evoked thought, consideration, and more understanding; but they are not meant in any way to be taken as science or medical advice. They are simply the words of a Woman with ADHD, and shared in the hope they can bring better understanding of people with ADHD. Those of us who have ADHD are not all the same, but we can share many similarities. The best chance that minor children with ADHD have at a successful life as an adult, is simply to have loving and supporting parent(s), or an adult(s) in their lives that fills that role.