CAUTION - Hot!

Sometimes when I am feeling paranoid about being the bigger person in our relationship, I think that strangers must think that Sam took pity on me, and I try extra hard to be the "funny" one; to the point that my fatness, is the literal elephant in the room. We are often our bodies before our mind, in the eyes, thoughts, and opinions of others. The more we weigh, the less value we have, a narrative that diet and exercise culture have been telling women and girls for far too many years. We are meant to be the tiny dainty ones, wearing our partners adorably oversized hoodie, petite enough to be picked up and set on the kitchen table or on a lap, the smaller one in the photo, and hugs should always envelop us. This is not me. This is not us. It will never be us, and I am okay with that, so why aren't others?

Timing is everything. I am here because of the experiences I have had and the things I have been through. If you read the history on being thin, it was never about health. It was about power, money and privilege, as was being plump at one time. I wish we could stop giving food Moral Value. It's time, for me anyway, to say "Fuck You" to the current body standards. People think FAT people have problems, that we are somehow uneducated about health. My problem is not that I am uneducated. I have been educating myself on diets and thinness for over 30 years. My problems lie in the fact that I was educated just enough to believe everything I had been taught, and not educated enough to questions those teachings - until now!

Size does not always equate to health. I know many people who are fat and have health issues, and I know just as many people who are thin and have health issues. I know many people who are fat, workout, and stay fat. I know many people who are thin, workout, and stay thin. I know fat people who got thin, and thin people who got fat. I value each and everyone of these people for who they are, not by their size. Their mortality is not any of my business, and my mortality is not anyone's business but my own.

One of the best and funniest piece of advice that I was ever given, came from a dear friend. She said, "Michelle, if you want to look thinner, just carry a purse that is bigger than your ass!"<insert laughing> We often hear the phrases, "Just start, or Just start over, or Just start again". These are marketing statements created by diet and exercise culture, to keep us enslaved to the idea that we need to be thin to be healthy and beautiful. The industry’s goal is to focus on a weight problem it claims it can solve, but then uses women as its scapegoat for not solving the problem, if results don’t pan out. It also doesn't seem to consider the physical health or mental health of the women it claims it can help.

There is NO universal standard for beauty and health, or at least there shouldn't be. I try hard to practice body neutrality, by focusing on what my body can do now, and not how it looks. There is some chatter in the plus size world, that body neutrality is the new body positivity, and we should all be focused on what our bodies can do, what we need our bodies to do, and not on what our bodies look like. Personally, I have always enjoyed working out, but there have been times in my life, when I have given up working out. One of those times, just happens to be the last two months. Each time I give up working out, I am simply letting myself rest. Rest is what keeps me both physically and mentally healthy.

Counting every calorie, regretting every piece of cake, and giving the scale our power is not worth it. It’s difficult to free ourselves from diet culture mentality, but it’s possible and necessary. Instead of counting calories, I want to be counting memories. The people I'm with and the occasions I'm celebrating will be the things I remember years from now, not the piece of cake I ate. Writing in my journal for almost a year now, has showed me many incredible things about myself, that I had allowed my body and the world to hide from me for far too long. We are worthy of loving ourselves, right where we are at, the little things, the big things and all the things in between. Will it be easy, probably not. We won't love ourselves everyday. We will stumble and stumble some more. Self love isn't a destination, it's a way of living!

We can't hate ourselves into a version of ourselves that we can love. Feeling beautiful should have nothing to do with how you look. I am finding that the more I like ME, the less I want to pretend I am something that I am not. By the way "Fat" is not a bad word, nor is the word "Ugly". I was reminded of that recently, when my 16 year old daughter participated in a Halloween Craft Workshop. She made the most ugly, yet beautiful, Doll Head planter that I have ever seen. There is always beauty, in what others see as ugly.

Our bodies are the keepers of our magic. So who cares if she is shaped differently than she was last week, or last month or last year. Don't let other people be the experts or critics of your body. Be the expert of your own body. If we don't accept ourselves, we can't advocate for ourselves. Do not live is a state of waiting-to-be. Your body, my body, is NOW, and it ALWAYS WILL BE something to treasure and protect. Start by protecting it from your negative thoughts. <3